Question: As a teenager our son saw a therapist for a while due to some burnout/slash depression. Baruch Hashem with some adjustments to his yeshiva life and the help he received he is doing amazing and has been for a while. He is still on a low dose of medication which has worked well for him. When he tried going off, he relapsed and our consensus is that it's best for him to stay on it for now. Now that he is starting shidduchim he is very nervous about telling it over to a girl. Not that he regrets it and he understands that the right girl will understand and appreciate him for who he is but he is worried about the process of telling it over. Which from what we discussed with our Rov he will have to do. Particularly he doesn't want to make himself sound worse than he is. Any advice would be appreciated
This is an important and relevant question. It is a complex topic, and you are to be commended for attempting to approach it in a thoughtful and meaningful way. As a mental health professional, I am frequently consulted on such issues and would like to share a few thoughts. Some of what I write is based on a recent discussion that a group of frum mental health professionals had with Rav Yitzchok Berkovits, Rosh Yeshivas Aish Hatorah.
First, as indicated in your question, it is a given that this needs to be disclosed. Taking medication is something that the other party would expect to know and as such must be disclosed at some point in the dating process.
Second, when one discloses that he or she is struggling with a mental health issue, there are typically a range of reactions from the other party. There are those who will continue to do what was done a generation ago and consider this an automatic reason to terminate. Thankfully, Rabbonim as well as the broader community are increasingly seeing this as a factor to explore rather than reacting with an automatic no. For various reasons, medication is more prevalent these days and while it is wise to follow-up regarding the circumstances, it is often not wise to make this into a knee-jerk "no."
Third, anytime that something is revealed, whether it be a physical or a psychological condition, the other party will want as much information as possible to make an informed decision. This includes what you will share as well as what they may want to find out from treating professionals. The person will want information regarding the nature and severity of the condition. Specifically, how this can potentially interfere in one's life including what a worst-case scenario might look like—and how likely that is to happen. This is about obtaining a day-to-day picture of the person 's current functioning. There is a huge difference between someone taking medication for mood struggles and is functioning well vs. someone who continues to struggle in day-to-day living. You seem to be in the former category and you should certainly emphasize that. In addition to speaking with you and asking for a release to speak with the mental health professionals involved, they may want to speak with others who interact with the person such as Rabbeim or employers. An additional factor to keep in mind is that sometimes these conditions can be hereditary and can become compounded if both sides struggle with a similar issue. This highlights the importance of obtaining accurate information from professional and other sources. Clarifying all of this information will help all make an informed decision.
I would just like to conclude with the following. While taking medication may be considered a blemish, neglecting one's mental health should be considered a far greater blemish. Please realize that you are being responsible in dealing with an issue that many people experience. Others are struggling with the same issue but refuse to deal with it and difficulties can then first emerge after marriage. It is also worthwhile to mention that dealing with adversity often comes along with maturity and insight and can be a strength in marriage.