Parshat Chayei Sara is often pointed to as the Parsha of Shidduchim, match matching, however it can offer us a powerful insight into the importance of cultivating love. One of the central themes in this parsha is the concept of love and partnership. The marriage between Yitzchak and Rivka provides us with wonderful insights to apply to our own loving relationships.
The passuk says “Vayyikkach et-rivkah vattehi-lo le'ishah vayye'ehaveha - and he took Rivka as his wife and Yitzchak loved her. (Genesis 24:67).” At first glance thru the lens of modern society the order of the adjectives in the passuk appear out of order. Yitzchak married Rivka, then it states he loved her. As Frank Sinatra famously put it his song Love and Marriage, love is expected to come first, then the choice to get married. The Radak comments on this passuk, of course Yitzchak loved her prior to getting married, however his love deepened as he better admired the qualities she embodied over time.
In his seminal work The Art of Loving, Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, posits that love is not just a feeling but an art that requires effort and practice. “Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” Among several key pathways to cultivating love, the key hallmark shared by Dr. Fromm is giving. “Giving is the highest expression of potency. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.”
The Hebrew word for Love is Ahavah. The root of the word is Hav, which means to give and giving is fundamental to loving. The love relationship between a husband and wife is to be that of giving — each to the other. The more we invest of ourselves in our partner, the stronger the connection and the deeper the love.
From a therapeutic lens love is defined as an active striving for the growth and happiness of the other person. Fromm outlines love as a skill requiring dedication, grounded in four essential elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Care is an active concern for the well-being and growth of a loved one. It involves putting effort into nurturing the relationship. Responsibility means being willing to take on your partner’s challenges and well-being as your own, helping them with their struggles and needs. Respecting a partner means acknowledging their individuality, autonomy, and freedom to make their own choices, even when you don’t always agree. Knowledge in love means actively working to understand your partner’s inner world, motivations, and feelings. Together, these elements—care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge—form the foundation of a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship, where each partner supports and values the other’s individuality and growth.
Here are some tips on cultivating love within relationships:
- Care
- Make small gestures: Surprise your partner with a thoughtful note, a favorite treat, or a small act of kindness to show you’re thinking of them.
- Offer your time and presence: Set aside distractions and give your full attention when you’re together, showing that you genuinely care about being with them.
- Responsibility
- Check in regularly: Ask your partner how they’re feeling about work, family, or other challenges. Let them know you’re there to support them
- Share their burdens: If they’re overwhelmed, offer to help with tasks, like running an errand or handling a chore, to ease their stress.
- Respect
- Support their independence: Encourage them to pursue their interests and passions, even if they don’t align with yours. Value their growth as an individual.
- Listen without judgment: When they share opinions or experiences, listen openly without interrupting or trying to change their mind.
- Knowledge
- Ask meaningful questions: Go beyond surface-level questions and ask about their dreams, fears, or goals. This can help you understand them on a deeper level.
- Stay curious about them: Notice changes in their mood or interests and ask them about it. This shows you’re invested in who they are and how they’re feeling.
From a psychological perspective, the story of Yitzchak and Rivka in Parshat Chayei Sarah teaches us that healthy love is not based on infatuation or superficial attraction. Instead, it is rooted in shared values, respect, consent, support, patience, and trust. These psychological principles can guide us in building meaningful and lasting relationships.
As we reflect on this parsha, let us remember that healthy love is a conscious choice and a process that requires careful consideration and effort. If we believe that love is something that we fall into, then it is easy to see how people fall out of love as well. Shifting mindsets, if we experience love through the Torah’s lens of growing in depths as the relationship deepens, we will merit to having happiness in our homes. Chayei Sarah provides us an example of ideal relationships. When we can nurture relationships that are grounded in Torah values and mutual respect we bring happiness and fulfillment to our lives.
Elan Javanfard, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a Consulting Psychotherapist focused on behavioral health redesign, a Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, & a lecturer related to Mindfulness, Evidence Based Practices, and Suicide Prevention. Elan is the author of Psycho-Spiritual Insights: Exploring Parasha & Psychology, weekly blog. He lives in Los Angeles Pico Robertson community with his wife and three children and can be reached at Elan.Javanfard@gmail.com.