Parshat Vayeshev unfolds a gripping narrative centered around the complex dynamics of the family of Yaacov. A closer examination reveals an intriguing interplay of psychological concepts, particularly birth order and sibling rivalry, as we delve into the lives of Yosef and his brothers. Humorist Sam Levenson wrote, “Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” While families prepare to spend more time together over Chanukah, the Torah introduces us to the family dynamics, highlighting the twelve sons of Yaacov. Yosef, the eleventh son, is portrayed as the favored child, receiving a special coat from his father. This preferential treatment stirs jealousy and resentment among his older siblings, setting the stage for a tumultuous journey of sibling rivalry.
Modern psychology suggests that birth order can significantly influence personality development. Yosef, being the youngest until Binyamin’s birth, might have displayed characteristics associated with the "baby" of the family – often charismatic, charming, and accustomed to receiving attention. On the other hand, he was also the oldest, born the first child of his father’s favorite wife. The echoes of parental guidance resonate in the relationships between siblings, influencing how they communicate, understand, and support each other.
The psychological tension between birth order and parental favoritism becomes a focal point in the story. Yaacov’s overt affection for Yosef exacerbates the existing sibling rivalry, leading to a rupture in the family unit. The brothers' resentment manifests in Yosef’s dreams, where he envisions himself in a position of authority over them, further intensifying their animosity.
In our lives, we witness the echoes of these ancient sibling dynamics. Families today grapple with the challenges posed by birth order, where each child's unique position may shape their personalities and interactions. We can clearly understand why Yaakov had special feelings towards Yosef. After all, he was the firstborn of his beloved wife Rachel, who passed away tragically young. Chazal tell us that Yosef spent a good deal of time with his father, caring for him and tending to his needs. Yaacov’s challenge was not that he loved Yosef more than he loved his other children, but rather in manifesting this favoritism in concrete ways. Yaacov Avinu grew up in a home where favoritism was the norm, in which his mother favored him and his father favored his brother, Esav. Yaacov, while cognizant of the negative results of such favoritism, subconsciously adopted such an approach when he had his own children, leading the Gemara on Shabbos 10b to heed us against parental favoritism. The Torah informs us that Yaakov loved Yosef “mikol banav” - literally, "from all his sons." His love for Yosef emanated from the love of all his sons, for he viewed Yosef as the one who represented them all and who would prepare them for their future tasks. Yosef’s perceived attempt to curry favor in his father’s eyes was seen as a threat to the brothers. They viewed their fathers love for him as coming at their expense.
Minimizing favoritism between siblings is crucial for fostering positive relationships and a healthy family dynamic. Here are some practical tips for parents:
- Individual Quality Time:
- Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly.
- Engage in activities that cater to each child's interests.
- Equal Attention:
- Be mindful of how you distribute attention among your children.
- Avoid comparing them in a way that could make one feel less valued.
- Fair Discipline:
- Apply consistent and fair discipline for all children.
- Ensure consequences are appropriate to each child's behavior.
- Celebrate Differences:
- Emphasize and celebrate each child's unique qualities and strengths.
- Avoid making comparisons based on achievements.
By actively implementing these tips, parents can create an environment that promotes equality, fosters positive sibling relationships, and helps each child feel valued and loved.
The way parents love and treat each child is the first and most lasting lesson in how they will love and treat each other. Parshat Vayeshev invites us to contemplate the intricate web of family relationships, recognizing the profound impact of parental influence on birth order, sibling dynamics and the collective harmony of the family unit. As we navigate our own family landscapes over Chanukah, may we draw inspiration from the Torah's wisdom regarding parenting.
Elan Javanfard, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a Consulting Psychotherapist focused on behavioral health redesign, a Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, & a lecturer related to Mindfulness, Evidence Based Practices, and Suicide Prevention. Elan is the author of Psycho-Spiritual Insights: Exploring Parasha & Psychology, weekly blog. He lives in Los Angeles Pico Robertson community with his wife and three children and can be reached at Elan.Javanfard@gmail.com.