When I think of the concept of “enhancing our relationships,” I think of two scenarios: either a mutual process where two people are working together, or a situation when someone is trying to improve a relationship without the active cooperation of the other person, someone who is working on themselves in relation to the other person. All too often, when people come into therapy because of a relationship that needs help: marriage, parent/child, sibling, etc., they are really there with the intention to get the other person “fixed.” The problem is that this attitude of wanting to enhance our relationship by trying to “fix” the other person, or by waiting for the other person to “get fixed” is not very relational. A relationship is something we do together, and in which both parties play an active part. “Fixing” brings to mind the image of someone working on a car engine; waiting for another person to “get fixed” conjured the image of someone standing with arms crossed, foot tapping and a disapproving look. None of these scenarios seem like much of a relationship–not a good one, anyway.
One would think that being able to get one’s spouse to go to therapy or even to talk about enhancing the relationship means that you’re halfway there; both people are in attendance, so to speak, with the same goal. The problem is that if the attitude is that we’re here to “fix you,” it is going to be a very dissatisfying process, and you really aren’t halfway there at all.
What if you are there with the right attitude but your spouse isn’t? Or what if you can’t even get the other person in the relationship to come be part of the process? Is all lost?
Well, within limits, you still have the opportunity to enhance your relationship, even without a willing participant. What’s the key to doing this? First, let’s talk about what it takes to create and sustain a healthy relationship, and what sometimes gets in the way of being able to achieve that, whether it is with or without a partner who is interested in doing the same.
In a healthy marriage, each spouse sees it as his/her role to care for and about the other. Problems often arise when people don’t understand that it’s not about caring about the other person in the way that I think is right; rather, the emphasis needs to be on caring for the other person in the way that they need or want.
All too often, people think they have the right intentions of caring for their spouse, but really, they are caught up in what they think is “right” or “normal” for their spouse to want from them. This is usually based on what feels comfortable for them to give in a relationship. So, with every intention of being a good spouse or a good parent, we can fail simply because we keep trying to give the other person what we think they should appreciate or want, instead of what they actually want and would appreciate.
It is on this front that someone can enhance their relationship, even if they are alone in the endeavor. There are, of course, exceptions, such as a spouse who isn’t interested in the relationship at all but rather, in control. However, in situations where this is not the case, focusing one’s efforts on trying to figure out what it is that one’s spouse needs or wants can, in fact, enhance the relationship.
There are times when one doesn’t feel that the same effort is being made on their behalf, which leads to feelings of resentment towards their partner and giving up on their own efforts because they don’t think their spouse deserves it. It is common for one partner to put in a little bit of effort, and then just stop when they don’t see immediate results. Now, while it is normal to hope and expect that your efforts will inspire efforts in kind, or change the tenor of the relationship for the better, there are a few things to keep in mind:
If there is a negative history–and even if there isn’t–it can take time to turn the tides and tone of a relationship. Giving in to the feelings of ‘unfairness’ and resentment is not really giving things an adequate try. But more importantly, the attitude we bring to a process will have significant impact on the way it turns out. If we’re telling ourselves or others that we are working on giving our spouse what they want, but really it’s all about the payback and what’s in it for me–that will significantly impact our efforts, even on a subconscious level. Our attempts at enhancing our relationships need to be with the focus on other rather than on self. That being said, when things seem so out of balance that it becomes intolerable, seeking professional counsel is very important.