In my practice, I’ve found that there are two aspects of relationships that clients consistently want to discuss. One aspect generally pertains to those who are considering a relationship and those who are in the beginning phase of a new relationship. The other aspect is usually brought up later on in the relationship—sometimes relatively early on, and sometimes after years of marriage.
People interested in forming a relationship often ask what it is that they should be looking for in a spouse. Although this is a broad question with many individualized facets, my general response is that people should look for someone who has qualities similar to their own. When I initially mention this to people, their response is often, “But I thought that opposites attract.”
The truth is that it’s difficult to generalize because people are complex and have differing feelings and needs. That being said, although it’s true that opposites often attract, this is usually true only in the initial phase of the relationship, and with regard to external qualities. It can be exhilarating to experience a new perspective and interesting new concepts. Indeed, this can be a positive thing when it broadens our horizons. When we encounter new interests, hobbies, and activities, it can be fun to incorporate them into our lives—especially together with a person with whom we are building a new and exciting relationship.
When it comes to personality traits, however, it’s important to choose someone who shares your basic values and life view. By personality traits, I’m referring to healthy feelings and viewpoints with regard to important areas in life. For instance, if you’re a thoughtful, spiritual, caring, inquisitive person who has a sharp sense of humor, you might initially be attracted to someone who has a devil-may-care attitude, appears not to care what others think, is off-the-cuff, and has a cutting sense of humor. These personality traits can seem invigorating and thrilling. In the long run, however, the disparity in basic beliefs and values can become a source of incompatibility and strife. Therefore, it is vital to identify the intrinsic attributes that draw you to others, and look for these qualities in a potential spouse.
It can be difficult, however, to separate an emotional connection from clear, logical recognition of a person’s true qualities. It is often easier to identify someone in your life whom you genuinely like for the kind of person that s/he is. Use that person as a template to help identify those intrinsic attributes that make you feel positively toward him/her. Once you have identified these qualities, you will have a good idea of what will help you to consistently appreciate a future spouse.
The issue that can affect new relationships and long-standing relationships alike is problematic communication. I couldn’t say how many times I have dealt with two well-meaning people, each of whom believes that the other has done them a grievous injustice. Often, once the issue is discussed in a dispassionate fashion, it can be quickly resolved.
One cause of problematic communication is that we tend to assume that other people think and feel the same way that we do, and that others have similar triggers and insecurities. Even in instances where we can intellectually recognize that this is not the case, we frequently project our thoughts and feelings onto the other person—especially when we are feeling emotional. In addition, we assume that the other person’s actions were caused by something that would cause us to act in that manner. For instance, if my wife raises her voice and tells me that I did something stupid, on some level I immediately ask myself what would cause me to say what she said in the way that she said it. If I’m the type of person who doesn’t show anger unless I despise the other person, I instinctively transfer this sense onto my wife, and assume that she despises me. It’s only when I can think logically that I realize that my wife might be acting angry because she feels hurt.
Unfortunately, in many cases, this becomes a vicious cycle. If I react to my wife’s anger by becoming sullen and withdrawn, this can trigger a negative feeling in her for a similar reason. This can escalate her anger response, thereby causing me to further isolate myself. Over time, this can lead to major arguments, which continue to exacerbate the problem and increase the sense that my wife despises me and doesn’t care for me.
We’ve all heard that communication is crucial in relationships. Of course, this is true across the board in a general sense. However, in addition to having basic conversations about things that are important to us, it is vitally important that we step back and take an objective approach to things that bother us. Waiting to react until we are no longer emotional can help to limit our negative responses. If we learn to understand our spouses’ triggers and insecurities and distinguish these from our own, we can begin to discuss issues in a more supportive manner.
Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Brooklyn, New York. He is the author of Self-Esteem: A Primer. Visit his website, www.ylcsw.com, or contact Yehuda at 718-258-5317.