Dear Therapist:
On a regular week, in normal times, I have so much on my plate. Now I am expected to care for my infant (no babysitter), keep house (no cleaning help), work from home, entertain my kids, and be in charge of their homeschooling. This while my husband is also expected to work full time from home. When I hear people talk about how this time offers us opportunities to learn with our children, quality time, etc., I wonder what I am missing. Is there some sort of trick that others have that I haven't heard about or am I just not as capable?
Response:
I think that everything you mention is true. Many people are now overworked, overstressed, and fearful. We also have the opportunity to turn lemons into lemonade. We may react emotionally, and do things that we regret. We also may find inner reserves that allow us to become more involved with our families and to utilize positive outlets.
Humans are very adaptable. Some of us tend to adapt to new situations in a positive, adaptive way. There are people who have experienced great loss who went on to develop organizations (charitable or otherwise), and turned a terrible situation into something positive. Others have the tendency to “adapt” in problematic, maladaptive ways. As with positive responses, this can manifest in many different ways.
Positive and negative reactions are not mutually exclusive. We are complicated beings. As such, we will react in good ways and bad. We will throw up our hands, and we will persevere. We will take our frustrations out on others, and we will grow closer with them. We can be mercurial, but the goal is to continually work toward positive goals.
The key word there is “work.” We need to work at identifying positive aspects of troubling circumstances and reacting appropriately. People who speak of opportunities that have arisen as a result of the current situation probably recognize this. They’re likely trying to motivate other (as well as themselves) to work toward these goals. I don’t think they expect that people are already “there.” (If they did, why mention it?)
Also, differing circumstances can have a major impact on the ability to gain this type of perspective and act on it. Some people have one or two children, while others have six or seven. One couple may have a close, helpful relationship, and another may have a more distant one. Some people are working from home; others are commuting. Some have help (in various forms), while others have had enormous responsibility placed on them. What is “normal” for one person may be “abnormal” for another.
Hopefully most of us have developed positive coping skills, allowing us to move in the direction of applying these skills to this (and to other) troubling situations. That being said, the current situation is very fluid. We don’t have very good information as to the nature of COVID-19. We don’t know when or how successful treatment will be developed. We don’t know when schools and businesses will be back to normal. And we may have concerns about the long-term effects of this all.
When we speak of posttraumatic stress, there is a recognition that the stressors are in the past (hence “post”). While a stressor is active and ongoing, negative reactions are often considered to be normal. If a Gulf War veteran jumps at every noise and sleeps restlessly, this is likely an abnormal reaction. If a soldier on active duty reacts the same way in hostile territory, this is probably a positive, adaptive reaction.
The current situation is multifaceted and troubling in many ways. We are dealing with ongoing stress. It is quite normal for you to feel overwhelmed. Often over time, even if the situation doesn’t resolve, people learn to better deal emotionally with issues that become routine. Hopefully this situation will soon be resolved. In the meantime, as long as your feelings and actions are not problematic, I don’t think that you should be concerned that you’re not a perfect human being.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Brooklyn, NY | Far Rockaway, NY
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317
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