Dear Therapist:

The unfortunate reality is that marijuana use is becoming increasingly less taboo in society. This has been driven home by the recent vote in NJ to legalize its use. Until recently it never would have crossed my mind as something I need to worry about with my children. However, with its increased prevalence in society, I am starting to wonder if this is something I need to discuss with my kids? Do you think this is something I should have a preemptive conversation about or something I should wait to see if they bring up? In a conversation about this what are some tips that you think would be helpful?

Response:

Marijuana use does appear to be more prevalent today. Certainly, its use is considered to be more acceptable by many. Even in states where recreational use is still technically illegal, it is often openly ignored by law enforcement. This overt or implicit acceptance sends the message to our children (and frankly to adults as well) that marijuana use is okay.

Although I will not debate the general issue, it is clear that use of marijuana by kids is detrimental on many levels. It can retard function in the still-developing brain and it can affect learning. Due to its psychoactive qualities, marijuana often causes its users to develop coping skills that specifically rely on these effects. This can significantly alter the normal development of adaptive coping skills. In addition to any chemical addiction, this can cause a strong emotional reliance on THC.

You ask whether you should preemptively discuss marijuana use with your kids or wait until they bring it up. If you wait, are you assuming that they haven’t thought about it or discussed it with friends? Is it therefore your concern that broaching the subject might make them consider it when they previously hadn’t? This may be so, but you are taking the chance that any information that they do have about marijuana (and other substances) was conveyed to them by another child or another source. Obviously, you would rather that your kids hear your perspective.

If you recognize that marijuana is a subject that your kids will discuss with others (and that they will otherwise obtain information) the question is whether they will come to you to discuss it. We would like to believe that our kids would discuss anything with us, and that they would immediately approach us for our advice on anything that might be questionable. The reality, however, is that kids may feel uncomfortable discussing certain subjects. They also may simply accept what they are told by their peers. This, in addition to the fact that—as you mentioned—marijuana use is becoming more acceptable, can give kids the impression that their parents might not have a major issue with it.

From this perspective, not discussing your thoughts and concerns on the subject may signal to them your tacit approval. The fact that marijuana is very publicly accepted can send the message that it is fine. It can also make it less likely for kids to feel the need to discuss it with their parents.

We discuss with our kids the dangers of lying, stealing, consuming alcohol, and other problematic behaviors. We don’t necessarily wait until these become a problem before addressing them. Perhaps the old taboos related to marijuana use affect us as parents more than we realize. Are we hesitant to discuss it because it is an uncomfortable subject? This should not be a determining factor. Obviously, you know your kids. Their ages, maturity levels, and other factors will determine your approach. Generally speaking, however, I cannot think of a compelling reason to shy away from the conversation.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Brooklyn, NY

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 718-258-5317

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