Dear Therapist:

I’ve always struggled with my temper. Lately I’ve been realizing that it’s not always about how bad a situation is, but more about things not going the way I expected or planned. I’m starting to wonder if my anger has more to do with being rigid—like I just have a really hard time when things don’t go the way I think they should.

Is that a common root of anger issues? Is that what I should be focused on? Or am I just someone who needs to work harder on controlling my reactions?

Response:

Generally speaking, anger is a secondary emotion. This means that there is a primary emotion—one that isn’t being consciously acknowledged—which is instead experienced as anger. This doesn’t mean that your anger isn’t “real.” I’m sure that you truly feel angry about whatever is going on at the time. Rather, it means that there is another underlying emotion that is not being consciously addressed.

The good news is that you’ve already begun questioning your feelings of anger. You’re recognizing that your anger doesn’t necessarily relate to the particular situation, but rather to your own rigidity.

Your sense of rigidity likely developed when you were a child. It was probably created as a defense against a hurtful emotion. As time went on, this rigidity defense was so successful that two things occurred: the anger was reinforced and became embedded as an automatic response to triggers for the initial insult, and the initial insult was consciously obscured—relegated to the unconscious mind.

Say that your initial issue or fear was of doing the wrong thing and therefore being punished—or worse, feeling worthless. As a young child, this fear seemed logical, and so it was “true” on both a conscious and unconscious level. (Typically, the younger we are, the more in sync our conscious and unconscious minds are.) To protect yourself from being punished or feeling worthless, you ensured that you did everything perfectly. This quickly translated into a need for control. When you felt a loss of control, you couldn’t blame yourself—this would defeat the purpose of the defense mechanism. So you blamed others for your perceived loss of control. This caused you to become angry with them. In this way, your primary feeling of sadness or pain related to worthlessness was hijacked by feelings of anger.

Of course, even if much of this sounds familiar, this is just one example. But as you mentioned, you’ve already begun the process of reverse-engineering your anger. You’ve taken the first step of acknowledging the inappropriateness of your anger. You’ve also taken the second step of recognizing your general trigger (things not going your way).

You may be able to continue this process on your own. This will depend on factors like your level of insight and your ability to be objective about what are likely deeply ingrained emotions, insecurities, needs, triggers, and reactions. One advantage of seeing a therapist is their ability to be objective and to help clients identify and address these many aspects—and their combinations.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

Disclaimer

The Contents Of This Blog, Including Text, Graphics, Images, And Other Material Are For Informational Purposes Only.  Nothing Contained In This Blog Is, Or Should Be Considered Or Used As, A Substitute For Professional Medical Or Mental Health Advice, Diagnosis, Or Treatment.  Never Disregard Medical Advice From Your Doctor Or Other Qualified Health Care Provider Or Delay Seeking It Because Of Something You Have Read On The Internet, Including On This Blog.  We Urge You To Seek The Advice Of Your Physician Or Other Qualified Health Professional With Any Questions You May Have Regarding A Medical Or Mental Health Condition.  In Case Of Emergency, Please Call Your Doctor Or 911 Immediately.  The Information Contained On Or Provided Through This Blog Is Provided On An "As Is" Basis, Without Any Warranty, Express Or Implied. Any Access To This Blog Is Voluntary And At Your Own Risk.