There is so much hatred in the world. What we need is more compassion.
The terror attacks of this past weekend are frightening. We are scared. Truly, we are terrified. Senseless, reasonless violence perpetrated on city streets, in restaurants and theaters, places of entertainment and escape. But suddenly there is no escape. And so we are scared.
And when we are scared, we respond as scared people often do: we get angry, we blame, we hate.
We look for reasoning in the unreasonable. We explain to others and ourselves why this tragedy happened. We point out differences - with a hollow hopefulness - between our security and theirs. Or we note similarities with a sense of dread and despair. And we find solace in anger and hate.
It’s important to remember that anger is a secondary emotion. That means when we are angry, there is always another feeling that came first.
For example: When you are driving, and some reckless driver cuts you off, you get angry (well, I do, anyway. Let’s assume you’re like me). But before that anger hits, another feeling was there. Maybe only for a millisecond, but it was there. Fear, perhaps. Fear of being in danger - you could have been in an accident. Anger jumps in quickly as a defense - what an idiot!
It feels more powerful to be angry than to be scared.
And what about hatred? Hatred comes about when we are feeling threatened on a much deeper level. The deeper our fear, the greater the hate.
But anger, hate, and even the urge to explain tragedy only serve to mask our true feelings. And we are blocked from being truly present in our emotions. We aren’t present for ourselves, and we can’t be present for others.
But we can be present. It takes courage, but we can do it. We can say that we are afraid. I know I am. This is a scary time to live. I am scared, and I am sad. I am sad for me, for you, for us.
If I can show myself true compassion, I can do the same for you.
Let us turn away from the dividing yet inviting emotions of anger and hate, and turn toward each other with courage and compassion.
Drawing by Scott Hall
Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com.
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