Have you ever wondered if your therapist is angry with you? Did you say something or do something that got an angry reaction? Was there a particular look on his or her face which seemed to indicate anger or frustration?
What about other feelings? Have you ever wondered if your therapist finds you interesting? Is your therapist bored or tired of you? Does your therapist even like you?
Now, I’m not trying to plant ideas in your head (too late?). But if you’ve ever had these thoughts, they’re important to share with your therapist.
Why? Why should I share my questions about what my therapist thinks about me?
Let’s take the potentially angry therapist as an example. Your therapist seems angry with you. You ask, “Are you angry with me”?
If your therapist is actually angry, it would be helpful to know why. Perhaps there was something in your interaction that evoked an angry reaction. (I’ve had clients who were very confrontational and didn’t know it.) If you did something to make someone mad, and weren’t aware of it, wouldn’t it be helpful to you to know? In this situation, your therapist can act as a “mirror” for you to see you how you come across to others.
What if your therapist is angry, but not with you? For example, your rejection of meditation as a helpful relaxation technique could have angered your therapist, who wrote a book on meditative practices. In this case, a good therapist will be able to say, “You’re right. I was angry. Your response touched a nerve for me, and it has nothing to do with you.” You get some validation that your anger radar (angdar?) is accurate, you save yourself some doubt about the session, and your relationship with your therapist can grow even stronger.
And, finally, what if your therapist wasn’t actually angry? What if you only perceived he or she was angry? If your anger radar is broken, how many times have you thought that people were mad when they actually were not? A good therapist would say something like, “Thank you for checking that out with me. Actually, I was not angry at all. What about my reaction made you think I was angry?”
All in all, it’s a win-win. If you’re wondering what your therapist is thinking, check it out.
Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com.
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