I used to think of relationships that ended - that didn’t go on forever - as a failure... - Jimmy Kimmel

Endings. Our lives are full of them; that’s the very definition of mortality. Death is certainly an ending; divorce is too. Moving is an ending, and so is changing jobs.

Endings can be sad or painful, and saying goodbye is a way of trying to process that pain. We don’t always get a chance to say goodbye, though. Death can be sudden, divorce can be bitter. And even if we have the opportunity to say goodbye, it is often hard to face that reality head on.

Summer camp is a good example. As a camper, and later as a staff member, I boarded the bus home and waved to my friends. “Keep in touch!” I fully expected to keep in touch with all my friends, and to have the same relationship with them that we had enjoyed over the summer.

But as I’m sure you know, that never happened. Sure, some of us kept in touch (and some still do!), but our long distance relationships were never the same as our relationships in camp. Over time, the close ties petered out, and we drifted apart.

Is there anything wrong with a relationship that gradually changes, and fades over time? Of course not. But wouldn’t we be better off speaking openly about that? Must we wait through months of havta-call, shoulda-called, feel-really-bad-about-not-calling-for-so-long until we realize that our relationship has changed?

A client recently asked me if we would keep in touch after ending. This is a high-powered businessman, a very busy individual, who wanted to keep in touch via email. I shared some of my above thoughts on ending, and said that I thought he would be better off if we acknowledge that we are ending and do not plan to keep in touch. To my surprise, he breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God!”, he said. “I hate the pressure of having to keep in touch!”

And so I wonder if we would be better served, on that last day of camp or with any other ending, with acknowledging the following:

This relationship has been great. We had great fun, and learned a lot from each other. I certainly hope we can keep in touch. And maybe we will. But let’s acknowledge that no matter what happens, our relationship as it exists right now is ending. It may fade, it may be rekindled at some point; but this - what we have right now - is ending. And that’s ok.

There is sadness in ending, but there is no shame. Not in death, not in being fired, not even in divorce. Every relationship has taught us something. Every experience we have had was an experience worth having. And when it is time to end, let us end with pride. Let us celebrate the time we had together. And let us carry what we have learned with us. For relationships are ephemeral, but growth is eternal.

Shimmy Feintuch, LCSW CASAC-G maintains a private practice in Brooklyn, NY, and Washington Heights, NYC, with specialties in addictions and anxiety. He is also an Adjunct Professor at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work at Yeshiva University. Contact: (530) 334-6882 or shimmyfeintuch@gmail.com. 

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