Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses the concept that God hears and judges all our speech. This includes even talk between husband and wife when they are intimate. This would imply that it is considered a lack of modesty and decorum to engage in conversation prior and during marital relations. To this, the Gemara raises an objection based on an incident that occurred which showed that the great Amora and Rosh Yeshiva, Rav, engaged in levity and laughing with his wife during their intimacy. The Gemara answers that there is a difference between frivolous levity and the kind of joy and merriment that is intended to create a bond between husband and wife. In other words, to create this loving connection, engaging in laughter and pleasurable activities are an important part of the foreplay.

Notably, Rav Yaakov Emden in his commentary on Berachos 62a contrasts Rav’s behavior with the pious behavior recommended by Nedarim 20b, to behave as if “forced by a demon”, which implies limiting pleasure and any form of levity (See Ran and Rosh Op. Cit.) To this, Rav Emden simply responds, “We see not everybody is on the level of being able to conduct themselves with such abstention during relations. Even the great Rav was not on this level.” (It should be noted that this comment from Rav Emden is not an all printed editions of Vilna Shas, but it is legitimate.)

That is quite a remark. We can understand from common sense that certainly Rav was capable of this piety on some level of performance. The issue must be much deeper. It means he was not capable of functioning on this level of piety and abstention without, in some way, causing emotional harm either to his wife or even himself. Meaning to say, while on the surface he may have been able to play the part, either his wife or he, would somehow or another express resentment or irritability, at least unconsciously.

This is an important warning to all of us when we consider taking on extra piety. While on the surface we might be able to live up to it, can we really live up to it without causing ourselves or our family members emotional harm and neglect?

One last final point on this issue comes from the Shita Mekubetzes (Nedarim Ibid): “It is a good thing to talk and engage during intercourse because then he will produce seed with great joy which will impact upon the development of the fetus positively. With these intentions, one is permitted to do as he desires with his wife, and it is not considered a lacking in holiness.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

Do you like what you see? Please subscribe and also forward any articles you enjoy to your friends, (enemies too, why not?)