Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the case of a man who made a vow at his wife, apparently in anger, stating “You shall be as my mother!”  He is literally, swearing off having relations with his wife as if she is forbidden to him like mother.

The Gemara discusses that technically she is not forbidden, as in order to make an oath, one must refer to a voluntary declaration of sanctity or abstention, such as an item dedicated as a sacrifice or other votive donation.  If one says for example, “This shall be like pork”, even though pork is forbidden, its nature of prohibition comes from something that is intrinsically forbidden, not voluntarily forbidden. Therefore such an oath is not binding. Here too, when the man declares his wife to be like his mother, he is comparing her to an intrinsically forbidden state (incest) and not a voluntarily declared state, and thus the oath is not valid.  However, the rabbis decreed that as an extra measure of caution, the vow is still valid and he needs to seek an annulment of the vow from Bais Din.

The commentaries (Rashba 14a, Ran 13b) note that this is only regarding matters between a husband and wife.  Should a person make a similar vow, using the same incorrect formula (“This shall be like pork to me.”), the vow is not valid and no extra rabbinic requirements are added on.  The difference being that since there is a more potential for quarrel and instigation between husband and wife, and if we let him off scott free, this could lead to a cavalier attitude toward these kinds of vows, and particularly in the marriage (see Rashba.)

The rabbis were aware of the temptation to quarrel in a marriage, and the problem of verbal threats that escalate.  Let us take a moment to consider why this is so?  Why is it that marriage induces contentiousness and escalation of arguments?  It is not merely about sharing close quarters. Couples who have lived harmoniously together without marriage for years, all of the sudden find themselves bickering and losing patience after they finally get married. I believe there are several factors that contribute to this: (1) Fear of loss of control (2) Poor individuation and attachment styles (3) the enactment, repetition and projection of unresolved primary relationships.  

Fear of Loss of Control

Marriage is a three-legged race.  It is impossible to get far unless you take your spouse’s perspectives, needs and opinions into account (see previous Psychology of the Daf, Nedarim 13) .  This can be a frustrating and painful process, as many of us have ideas and plans about what we want and where we want to go.  It can be maddening, and panic-inducing to realize that this area of personal autonomy is now subjugated to another.  It is a natural instinctive response to become aggressive when we feel danger.  This is why marital arguments can spiral out of control, with escalating intensity and insults.  Each party is panicking about a loss of control and autonomy.  Panic is an important instinct.  But humans are not animals; we have more than our valuable instincts.  We also have intellect to balance and decide when to employ instincts and when to override. 

Instincts are God’s autopilot and cruise control.  They help humans navigate and manage in the world safely without paying attention to every moment.  A good pilot or driver knows when to disengage the autopilot and use judgment. Take a deep breath, recalibrate and do not let panic take hold.  Instead, realize there is another person in front of you with different ideas, needs and ways of looking at the world.  Which brings us to the second factor:

Individuation and Attachment

Originally the infant’s consciousness is merged with the universe.  He or she is his own God, and Mother and everything else is there to serve him.  Gradually, beginning with the shock of birth and being thrown out of his edenic state in the womb, and also the various frustrations and experiences in real life, he or she begins to notice that others exist.  The child must negotiate with Mother on how and when to feed and communicate his needs.  It starts with learning how not to bite his mother when nursing and goes way beyond that. If a mother, and to some degree the father, do not compassionately engage with the child over various boundary concerns, the child will not successfully resolve this awareness of others.  Deep down, he will deny the existence of others and crave to still be king of the universe.  Parents should acknowledge the child’s feeling and existence while at the same time negotiate and model awareness of others, and appropriate manners and empathy.  

The intense feelings of love and connection that occur in marriage can also lead to a regressive infantile need to have the spouse be the same as you.  If your spouse does not agree with you or feel the same as you, you may be tempted to enter into an infantile tantrum and demand full merger.  Being able to tolerate and understand the differentness of the other is a key marriage skill, and human developmental hurdle.  

One aspect that impedes this development is the unresolved relational needs of the past, which brings us to the final factor.

Repetition of Past Relationships  

If a person did not have a healthy relationship with parents and love objects, there may be an over dependence and need for affirmation, love and acceptance which obstructs a mutual and collaborative intimacy and interdependence. That is, a person will want full love and understanding in a consumptive manner.  As the Yiddish aphorism goes, “Do you love fish?  Indeed if you did, you wouldn’t eat it!”  For some people love is a consuming selfish hunger.  This is dangerous and imbalanced.  While of course, we all need love at times, and even need to collapse and have our selfish needs met by our spouse.  So long as there is balance and perspective this is fine.  But when perceived subjective needs turn into constant demands for nurture and conjoinment of will and thought, it can lead to out of control escalation of conflict.

This man in the Gemara, who makes an oath to his wife during a quarrel, references his mother.  Psychoanalytically speaking, he knows the source of his problems. He is unconsciously giving himself away.  He is fighting with his spouse because he needs his wife to be his mother.  

So Freud was right, it’s all about the mother.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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