Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage in order to provide stability for your children? Our Gemara on amud Beis alludes to the ethical pros and cons of someone forced to continue in a marriage either due to needs of the children, or financial pressures of an unaffordable divorce settlement.
There are people who feel compelled to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children, and sometimes even due to financial reasons. While to some this may seem insincere, do not judge another person until you are in his or her place. For many people, divorce can mean financial doom. Additionally, while one can make the argument that children are better off in a peaceful divorced home instead of a contentious marital home, such are the abstractions that the wealthy class can afford. When it comes to basics, abstractions are not particularly helpful. From the point of view of a child, being in the same home, having the same bed, and the same parents regardless of the quality of the interaction might be more stabilizing. Think of it, if you are freezing cold and in need of shelter, do you require a luxury home or designer bed sheets? You just want a roof over your head and a warm blanket. Quality time? Feh! Kids need time and stability, period. Often the best way to do this is by staying married. While I am not advocating staying together for the children, or for financial reasons, I am willing to respect this phenomenon. For those that choose this route, what are the best attitudes and practices?
The first concept I would like to emphasize is the value of a shared mission. In theory, even if there are great gaps and great dissatisfactions in the relationship if both parties have agreed that it makes sense to stay in a relationship right now financially or for the sake of the children, that in and of itself can lead to a stabilizing harmonious force. When people work together on a shared vision and shared goal, they automatically feel more fulfilled and close to each other. If expectations are set lower, and the agreement in this relationship is not so much marital satisfaction but the accomplishment of maintaining a stable home and family, much will be accomplished even beyond those small goals. The problem is, when one has high expectations ,frustrations and pain become elevated as well.
The second important concept is that nobody functions well under duress. A decision to stay married for the children or for financial reasons needs to feel voluntary. I am here to tell you that every decision in life is indeed voluntary, though at times the pressures may be great. The human spirit is indomitable and people can and will transcend whatever circumstances they are in. If one chooses, and I say chooses, to stay married in such a situation the choice must be embraced as a voluntary, meaningful and uplifting decision. If you cannot do that, you will toxify yourself, your spouse, and your children with your passive aggressive resentment.
The third and final concept I emphasize is that communication and collaboration are key. Even when perhaps various forms of marital therapy has failed, if the goal is now more reasonable and less loaded with the frustration of unmet desires, there is a greater possibility of success.
Improvement is improvement and growth is growth. If the project is taken seriously of working together toward a modest goal of keeping the peace, it can possibly lead to greater repairs beyond the original goal. Human nature responds well to positive behavioral momentum, and the rabbis understood this well when they said, “one mitzvah begets another, מצוה גוררת מצוה”
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
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