The Gemara on amud aleph relates the famous principle that a prohibition which is transgressed without an action usually does not incur the punishment of malkus, lashes. For example in our Gemara, leaving the Paschal sacrifice uneaten until the morning, while being a violation of the scriptural ordinance, does not incur lashes because it is violated passively. 

What is the reason that there is less punishment when the transgression is passive? The common sense reason would be that there is less investment and purposefulness in a passive act. There is something reassuringly merciful about the idea that a passive transgression does not incur the same wrath. 

While that might make some sense legally, in the psychological realm, passive acts can be even more cruel and provocative acts than active ones.

When someone resents you and tells you directly or acts aggressive to you directly it let’s you know where you stand. It might be unpleasant to bear this behavior, but at least it is not confusing. However, if someone is passive aggressive toward you it can be even more infuriating. First, it is difficult to confront the passive aggressive person without seeming to be unbalanced or unfair. Secondly, the passive aggressive person rarely can be forced to admit he is doing anything wrong.

If you are in a relationship with someone whom you are constantly feeling ignored or neglected, it’s hard not to get furious. But he or she might respond, “What did I do? I am trying my hardest? Why is it not ever good enough?” 

At this point, you have to wonder. Who has the problem? Are you one of those people with impossible expectations and are too demanding? You must consider that possibility. However, if after careful soul-searching, you don’t believe that is the case then you’re stuck in a relationship with somebody who is passive aggressive. That’s a tough situation.

Some people are passing aggressive in response to feeling they have no choice.  Children are masters at passive aggressiveness because they often are facing authority that is far more powerful than them. Just think of all the ingenious way as a child could become late for school, forget homework, lose vital clothes items etc. That kind of passive aggressiveness can possibly be addressed by exploring the power dynamics of the relationship, in trying to find ways that encourage more open and honest communication and collaboration. 

However, some people have passive aggressive personalities that have been deeply ingrained from early relational and childhood experiences. When it is the personality it’s much harder to change because it is the very operating system that the person uses to negotiate with and assess reality. 

A Classic form of social passive aggressiveness is l’shon hora. We vent our frustrations and people we dislike indirectly through l’shon hora because we are either afraid to confront them, we feel powerless to confront them, or we have been trained from other relationships to react passive aggressively.

Here is some strong mussar from the Chinuch (236)  about the passive aggressive nature of l’shon hora and the importance of taking personal accountability nonetheless:

ואין בו מלקות, לפי שהוא לאו שאין בו מעשה, וכמה שלוחים למקום להלקות מלבד רצועה של עגל ושל פרות. 

There are no lashes, because it is a negative commandment that does not have an act [involved] with it [that is speech is still not a physical act] - but [nonetheless] there are several agents to the Omnipresent to give lashes besides a whip.

You might as well read that as the Chinuch’s manifesto against all passive aggressive behavior.  It is as if he is saying, “Hey, all you passive aggressive people out there, I am talking to you.  Yes, you! The Chinuch is reminding us that life is a great teacher. And even if we transgress in ways that are hard to prove and hard to punish, in the end there are many agents to provide life’s lessons.”

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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