Daf Yomi, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology
Our Gemara on Amud Beis offers moral guidelines for how one should relate to, and provide for his dependents in comparison to his own needs:
“A person should always eat and drink less than what is within his means, and he should dress and cover himself in accordance with his means, and he should honor his wife and children more than what is within his means; as they are dependent on him and he is dependent on the One Who spoke and the world was created.”
There is a similar teaching in Bava Metzia (59a):
“A person must always be careful about sustaining the honor of his wife, as blessing is found in a person’s house only because of his wife, …And that is what Rava said to the residents of Meḥoza, where he lived: Honor your wives, so that you will become rich.”
And finally one more teaching in Yevamos (62b):
“One who loves his wife as he loves himself, and who honors her more than himself.” [This teaching is in the context of several other instructions about roles and responsibility toward wife and children and other relatives beyond the financial alone.]
Let us analyze these three teachings. They are similar in that they instruct a person to provide for his wife. Yevamos and Chulin stress that one should honor one’s wife more than oneself. Bava Metzia implies this, because this is seen as a source of blessing, but doesn’t state it explicitly.
Chulin alone mentions providing financially for the children, while the other teachings do not specifically refer to providing financially for children.
Each of the teachings differs in explaining the rationale. Chulin indicates that God provides, and since the man of the house is the provider, he emulates God and takes care of his dependents, as God hopefully will take care of him (see Ben Yehoyada Chulin ibid). Because this is a function of emulating God’s kindness, all dependents of the household are referred to equally, wife and children. This directive is not about giving them honor, but instead is referring to sustenance that one is required to provide for his dependents, as God does for him. It mentioned food and clothing. Even though the Gemara here also uses the word honor, it is meant as honor in terms of providing for basic needs in an honorable and even generous manner. But it is still about providing for basic needs. Since he emulates God, he must make sure that their needs come first and trust that in him taking care of them and emulating God, in the end God will make sure he is taken care of as well.
On the other hand, Yevamos and Bava Metzia are referring to something beyond providing for needs even generously or with luxury. Yevamos and Bava Metzia are referring to extra provisions just to show love and honor. That is why the wife is mentioned exclusively, because this function is only for a wife, not the children. The rationale is also different. Here, it is not about emulating God’s kindness as a provider because this is beyond needs; this is an act of special love and attending. Therefore the rationale is to bring blessing into the house. By showing extra love and care, this will channel the spiritual flow of divine blessing as well. (Yevamos does not mention any rationale because the teaching is part of a larger context of social welfare describing various role responsibilities, so the rationale is self-evident for societal function.)
We therefore find three kinds of providing with three different rationales. (1) As the person responsible for providing for members of his household, just as God takes care of his dependents, so a man must be generous and provide for his wife and children more than for himself. If he puts them first, emulating God as a provider, he trusts that God will take care of him as well. (2) Luxuries and gifts have to be provided for one’s wife specifically and not children, because these are romantic acts of love that are appropriate for a lover’s relationship, and would be inappropriate for a developing child who could become spoiled. This act of extra love brings blessing because it channels the spiritual flow of generosity and blessing. (3) The social role of a provider is important to maintain. Society functions well when there are institutions and roles that provide both responsibility and security. The provider has a particular role for the physical sustenance of the household. When that role is fulfilled, it allows others to develop properly and fulfill the responsibilities of their roles.
Essentially, these three teachings about the role of a husband and father as a provider focus on three planes: (1) Emulating God’s kindness to provide for basic needs of wife and children; (2) Extra romantic and generous love for one’s spouse to channel divine love and blessing; (3) Respecting the social order and institution so that everyone maintains role and responsibility for maximum societal benefit and development of the family unit. Looking at it from this lens one can understand why the focus and choice of words are different in each of these three teachings, with some focusing on the wife, and others on roles and responsibilities, as well as some teachings referring to more basic needs and others to special gifts of honor.
sponsored by https://empowermentaftertrauma.com/
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
Free resource for couples/families:
Over 80 lectures on heathy communication, marriage and sexuality from a Torah perspective Click here
If you liked this, you might enjoy my Relationship Communications Guide. Click on the link above.
Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com