Daf Yomi, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology
Our Gemara on Amud Aleph says that the gentiles neglected most of the few mitzvos that were given to them, except for three:
“(1) They do not write a marriage contract for a wedding between two males; although they violate the prohibition against engaging in homosexuality, they are not so brazen as to write a marriage contract as for a regular marriage. (2) Although they are suspected of eating human beings, they do not weigh the flesh of the dead in butcher shops and sell it publicly; and (3) They honor the Torah.”
It is disturbing to note that fortunately though certain sins remain as not normalized, homosexuality has been. The idea that a religion can consider it immoral has, according to modern sensibilities, ironically become immoral. This is because they are conflating discrimination with religious belief. This conflation is so distorted that I wonder if some of the various platforms which carry my blog will have to censor this one. Religious convictions have nothing to do with human rights. Of course, in a free country, there should not be discrimination against any particular group, and that includes homosexuals. However, the issue of permitting marriage is more complex. It assumes that the definition of marriage is simply two people who decide to live together. From that perspective, of course, it would be discrimination to refuse homosexuals the right to marry. From a religious point of view, marriage is not merely two people who agreed to live together. Marriage is two people, a man and woman, who make themselves vulnerable to the possibility of pregnancy, often agree to raise a family together, and have commitments that last for generations. No, it’s not the same when two people of the same sex decide to live together. They will not get accidentally pregnant, and automatically do not have the same commitment level because they do not have that fear. They will not have to negotiate the complexity of two different genders learning how to love and respect each other. Even if they choose an adoptive child, they never have to negotiate the complexities of postpartum, negotiate with maternal and paternal bonds, and other non-duplicable psychological dynamics. It is not the same thing. That doesn’t mean that homosexuals can’t love each other, or be committed, and even experience some of these dimensions; it just means that from a religious point of view, marriage is that and a whole lot more, and they can’t do it to the extent that it hits a threshold from a religious point of view. Once again, religion is its own thing and has nothing to do with constitutional rights and laws, which ought to be respected.
Personally, I do not agree with the stance of certain Jewish groups who lobby strongly against homosexual marriage on a governmental level. The beauty of this country is a separation of church and state. What are those folks thinking? Do they not realize one day they’re going to come after shechitta or bris milah? God forbid, they can. The only thing holding it back is separation of church and state. So while I am religiously appalled by homosexual marriage, politically, I would never interfere or lobby for anything that interferes with that.
Ohel Yaakov Al HaTorah (Erev Rosh Hashanah) wonders why, despite the Gemara’s statement, in his time he did not experience the gentiles as respecting the Torah at all. His answer was, if the Jews don’t respect the Torah enough, then all bets are off. The gentiles cannot respect the Torah if the Jews do not. A similar thought can be applied to the legitimacy of homosexual marriage. If as Jews, we do not honor sexuality and marriage in the way it should be, even if we are technically heterosexual, will we expect the rest of the world to understand what is at stake?
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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com