Several years ago, my brother bought us a wonderful “Uncle Gift,” a ping pong table. The children adored it and spent many fun hours with it.

As time went on, we found a way to get even more fun from the game of ping pong. Instead of playing for points, we decided to simply play as if both players were on the same team, trying to keep the volley going as long as possible. What emerged, when we stopped playing for points, is that both players were engaged in a totally new challenge: To keep the volley going. When one player hit the ball hard, the other player wouldn’t reciprocate. Instead, he or she would respond with a calming play, slowing the volley down to a pleasant rhythm. Likewise, if a player saw the opportunity for an absolute slam, he or she wouldn’t, because doing such a slam would probably end the volley.

It occurred to me that we can compare a couple’s conversations to a ping pong game. Sometimes couples slip into the rut of playing for points. When they see the opportunity for an insult, they are really tempted to say it. They feel that a solid put down or saying that the problems in their marriage are the spouse’s fault will somehow make things better. Then, when the spouse hears the insult, they respond in kind. They hit back harder or don’t hit back at all, letting the conversation die out. Even worse, they might close down and give the spouse the silent treatment.

There is a better way.

Couples can choose to play a ping pong game without points. The goal of such a game is to keep the conversation going productively for as long as possible. If your spouse hits you with a slam insult, consider responding calmly and deliberately in a way that deescalates the situation and keeps the volley going. If your spouse does something that leaves him or her really open to a slam, consider restraining yourself and just responding pleasantly in a way that keeps things calm and allows the volley and relationship to continue.

Responding calmly to insults does not mean just bolting things up until they explode. It does mean to dialogue sincerely without insult, explaining what hurts you in the relationship. Likewise, in the game of life we listen well to a spouse to figure out what works best for him or her in the relationship.

Marriage isn’t about winning or losing. For the most part, successful marriage is about how we play the game.

Mordechai Rhine is a certified mediator who specializes in marriage mediation. He is based in Baltimore, Maryland, and services clients throughout the United States via Zoom. Rabbi Rhine has served as a community Rabbi for over two decades. He can be reached through his website, www.care-mediation.com, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.